I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
