She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
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