I like my sex mixed with concussions.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
