ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
