i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
