I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
