If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
