Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
