I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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