I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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