So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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