If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
