Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
