She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
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She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
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bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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