did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
