what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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