there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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