I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
