He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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