if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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