Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
