I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
