it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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