i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
