I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
my god I love twenty year old dicks
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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