Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
