So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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