a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
