Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
