Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
