My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
