At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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