There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
