So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
