im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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