I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
