"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
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thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
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by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".