My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.