shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
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pop tarts are not kleenex
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
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Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash