I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats