Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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