soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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