i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
