so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
