If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
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