new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
