I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
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She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
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I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
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