Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
