did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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