why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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