It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
