That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
