If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
