Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
