I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
