what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
