I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize
