you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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