we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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