I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
