The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
