I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
