So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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