I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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