i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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