Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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