i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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